My thoughts on BDSM vs DD, and collaring

hi,
I was told to research, think, and then write about my thoughts on the differences, to me, between BDSM and domestic discipline (dd), as well as the more specific topic of collaring.
What seemed to be a rather straight forward assignment, soon turned more than a little frustrating.
And that is because there were/are so Many, many different opinions (with some people very adamant that There way was The way...) about what these things are, and what they mean.
As an example, I used to think that BDSM simply meant Bondage, Discipline (and what exactly That meant is a wholeeeee nother can of worms), Sadism, and masochism.
Well, I found an article that said while that is a common definition, that others also used the S for slave, and some used the M for Master or Mistress. And still others use the S for subbie.
So, since there are many choices, for my purposes, since this is a what I think essay, I am going with what I think is the more traditional definition of BDSM, Bondage Dominance Sadism and masochism.
Now, how does that vary with domestic discipline?
Again, it vary much depends on what you read or who you talk to.
But, to me, there is a big difference. I have never thought of myself (as funny as this might sound to some), as someone into BDSM. In my heart of hearts, I think of myself as a spankee. And that is The way I've thought or defined myself, in terms of this thing I do, since I've been a girl, before I knew that there were even really others out here with common if not shared interests.
Not a spanko, a spankee. Although at times, over the past few years, there are times when I feel the need to be the Alpha female, and correct a naughty woman, or 'daughter'. But 95% of the time, I am a spankee.
And because of that,I've always shied away from the label of BDSM, well, maybe not the BD part so much, because the thought of bondage fascinates me, as well as Discipline, but, to me, those are add ons, or variations included with or in addition to spanking.
While to me (and I am NOT judging, okay?), Sm has always been a Master/Mistress/slave thing, hoods and whips and other such things.
Early on in my life, when I was 15, I discovered that others thought about spanking too, through various magazines such as Penthouse Variations, and Mr. Magazine.
When I was in college, and redfaced as I was in the 'back' area of the local bookstore/magazine store (the younger here need to remember this was all Way back prenet days!) searching for anything spanking related in it. And the pickings were dang slim.
Although there were tons of stuff with leather and chains and whips and hoods and rubber and being beaten anywhere but on the butt.
Soooo not my thing (don't get me wrong, I like leather, a nice pair of chaps on me, or my lover, but more like biker or cowboy, not the patent leather....)
Before I got married, I knew I wanted/needed at what I thought of in my heart of hearts an old fashioned, traditional marriage. My thoughts on this are now what is quite commonly called nowadays dd.
In which (and again, there are tons of variations) there is a Head of House (HOH), who is as the name implies, in charge. This is not to say that I am treated as a doormat, or slave (though I know some 'slaves' who are treated and pampered like little princesses by their Masters/Mistresses and wouldn't trade places with anyone for the world), but as, well, how to say it... the junior partner, that's it, in the relationship.
Or, to use a military analogy, the HOH is the Commander, their partner, me in this case, is the Executive Officer, or second in command.
For me, the important part of dd, is well, both parts. The domestic is just as important as the discipline part is. Being a part of a familial type relationship.
Granted, those that do armchair pyschoanalyzing will no doubt point to the fact that my parents spanked my sisters and I all through High School and I mean I got spanked when I was 18.
I NEVER thought then, or since, that I was ever abused. I messed up, I got caught, I was punished, to pay for what I did, and to teach me to behave better.
Some think that an adult should be self disciplined enough not to need real correction or external discipline. Perhaps. But, this works for me. And I don't try to second guess it. It just does.
And the discipline IS an essential part of the dd equation, it HAS to be there. However, just what that discipline entails, could be a wide variety of things. Many people think that spanking is The punishment the naughty partner faces, but, not only is it not the only thing that may be used to correct misbehavior or address a broken rule or problem, in some relationships, it isn't used at all.
And yes, the punishment is just that, punishment, not play. And, even for us who like it for play, that same activity, when used for a punishment, because of the fact that I really messed up, that I feel guilty, that I broke my HOH's trust, different buttons are pushed. I don't feel sexy, I don't feel excited, and yes, I'm a huge coward, and beg and promise and bargain quite often till told to hush.
There is no safe word, there is no me deciding that well, while I in general I like the idea of you being in charge, when it comes time to pay the piper, no thanks, pass, that isn't allowed in a dd relationship. Someone once described it as consensual nonconsent.
Which means at those times when we are talking this all over, when I'm not in trouble, and thats a big point, you need to discuss your guidlines ahead of time, when you aren't in trouble, I've given my HOH my permission, to Be the HOH and do what is needed to take care of me, and our relationship. And that means, gulp, that if the HOH decides I need to be punished, well, even if I don't agree, I get punished.
I know of more than one couple who while they spank for play, they don't for punishment,and each couple has a slightly different reason. So they use other things, tailored to each woman. Things from being grounded, or on restriction (such as no use of cell phone or home phone, computer, use of furniture, clothing, the possibilities are almost endless), writing lines/sentences-a punishment some naughty girls truly dread, or essays or copying from books, extra chores, homework, being denied some treat, etc., mouth soaping, corner time, you name it, the list is practicaly endless.But overall, note the childish feel, or domestic nature to most of the punishments. And, this doesn't mean that those who spank Only spank, combinations of punishments to 'fit' the crime are quite common.
To me, that is also one of the differences between dd and BDSm. I'm not put in a cage, my back isn't welted, my nipples or labia aren't needled, I'm not shunned (a fairly common punishment in some Sm circles), I'm not passed around to others to use sexually as a punishment, etc.
And, if you want an idea of just how Much variation there is within the BDSm communtiy, go to alt.com sometime,and set up a profile, and take a look at all the varied interests that pop up on their little chart...
And, what someone is disciplined for, varies from couple to couple. As it should be. And and even for something such as generic 'disrespect', where the line in the sand is for one HOH is often very different from what another HOH would consider disrespect.
Many times in dd relationships, it is the non HOH partner who brings it up, she Knows, even if she hates to admit it, that she needs limits, needs rules, needs guidance, and, Needs someone to love her enough to make sure she is taken care of, and to protect her, even from herself.
And that protection just isn't from physical/safety issues, such as oh, say speeding or not wearing your seatbelt or talking on the phone while driving, it is often the emotional junk that we end up looping over and over in our minds that has to be dealt with.
The self destructive thoughts, the I'm to fat, my butt is to big, I'm not smart enough, blah blah blah...
but regardless, the thought for her is there, telling her to just stop thinking about it, that it isn't true, doesn't help.
And sometimes there are real issues she Should feel guilty about.
Although again, these vary in magnitude but to her, she feels bad, she Needs her HOH to help her feel good again. Guilt, punishment, atonement.
I know of a young woman who is in a dd marriage, and while by most standards she would be probably considered a patron saint of dd wives, she's sweet, respectful, goodnatured, all that stuff that you would just want to hate her for if she wasn't so sweet, well, she gets in trouble from time to time as well.
Although compared to many of our 'troubles' that we get into, hers might seem minor. But to her, they are very real, she feels very guilty, and will feel that way till he bares her fanny and turns it red. And she crys, says she's sorry, he forgives her, and all is well in the world again.
sigh, so romantic. (and when I was a girl, speaking of romance, almost every romance novel I paged through or romance magazine at the local beauty parlor used to have a dd type spanking in it!)
Before my husband,and after, I have had female lovers. Every single one has spanked me, for play and fun and sex , but also for punishment. And though it's been several years now since I have had a non cyber female relationship, back when I was on the mainland, and in areas with a larger lesbian population, I Never had any trouble finding someone. As one of my lesbian friends once commented, I put out bigtime 'daughter'/spank me vibes, that were picked up on what I call the domme mommy types, nurturing,, loving, firm and Strict when they need to be...
so that's me.
and sorry this is so rambling, I really don't know how to tie a lot of this together neatly.
But back to the difference between BDSM and dd.
It depends. On one extreme, they can be seen as interchangeable. At the other, polar opposites.
For me, there is a difference. For me, domestic discipline is just that, domestic, familial. Whether in with my Husband, or in cyber. I have a familial role- I'm a spouse, or a daughter or niece ,and, I'm not just that, I'm THEIR spouse, Their daughter, Their niece, or on those rare occasions when someone else is naughty, I'm the Mommy or Mommie or Aunt, but I have a place at all times, within the family.
I never have, and still don't, seem myself as a sub, or bottom, or slave. I don't see those who are in charge of me as Tops or Dom/me (with the exception of Domme Mommies, giggle...) or Master/Mistress.
I could be with my HOH, either my Husband or Daddie/Mommie, and we could be say, in theory, playing with another couple, and they do the Exact same things that we do, but if they are Mistress/slave, to me, then we are suddenly not doing the same thing.
So, as Forest would say, and that's all I've got to say about that.
whew.
oh, one other thing (yes Ma'am, I know, I chatter...sorry.) The following is something I found online, as they attempt to describe the differences between dd and bdsm....and there is a lot I don't agree with, or, in the 'yes but' type of thoughts...
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The first difference between BDSM and DD is that BDSM tends to have a more sexual focus, while DD tends to have a more non-sexual approach. There are plenty of people who may disagree with this difference, because many DD couples end up having sex after the woman is disciplined. This make-up sex or reconnection sex is not really the goal of DD, whereas the main focus of BDSM is sex or sexual enjoyment, even if a BDSM session does not necessarily always involve penetrative sex of any kind. The classic DD scenario is where spanking is used as a technique to modify a woman's behavior. Some DD couples may also practice erotic spanking, but this is usually kept entirely separate from spanking for discipline purposes. So the typical DD spanking does not involve sexual activity.
The next major difference between BDSM and DD is that the actual discipline situation (called a "scene" in BDSM) is generally artificial or contrived. A BDSM couple pretends that one of them has done something naughty and needs to be 'punished' for it, or they pretend that one of them is a harem slave and the other is her master and owner who 'needs' to tie her up for some imaginary reason, or that the woman is an 18th century traveller 'captured' by a 'pirate' who ties her up and ravishes her. In DD, however, the reason for a discipline spanking is real. The woman has broken a rule that the couple has previously agreed upon - she has been disrespectful (to herself, to her HOH or to others), dishonest (ditto) or disobedient. For this, she needs to be disciplined according to the agreement between her and her HOH (Head of Household), her husband. She is disciplined for a real life misdemeanor, not for an imaginary one. And if there had been nomisdemeanor, she would not receive a domestic discipline for it. If she were spanked for other reasons, this might be an erotic spanking which might serve as a light introduction to sex, but a discipline spanking would occur only for a genuine reason. This even includes a Maintenance Discipline, whose purpose is to maintain a woman's positive attitude and good behavior, amongst other things. The need to maintain her good attitude and behavior is a genuine need, not an imaginary or a contrived one. It is not because she has been kidnapped by an evil duke and thrown into his dungeon that she is being spanked. It is because her continued good behavior is required in real life. **************************************************************************
Next, if you are still reading, you might remember I was also asked to research and common on my thoughts on the topic of collaring, so here I go.
I was asked if I knew the significance of collaring, and while I said I knew next to nothing about it, I didn't realize just how much I didn't know about it.
Again, this is not the end all and be all on collaring, it is simply what I've learned, and what I think about it.
First, I was shocked to find it was harder to find info on collars and collaring, then it was to find info on the differences between BDSm and dd.
Most online articles were simply repeats of the same one. And, in my opinion, they summarize it quite well in a few sentences. so here is what they had to say:
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In a BDSM context, a collar is a device of any material placed around the neck of the submissive partner. It is also a term used to show ownership of one partner by another. A person wearing a collar to symbolize their relationship with another is said to be collared. Some people conduct formal "collaring ceremonies," which are regarded as effectively solemnizing their relationship in a similar way as a marriage ceremony. The standard form of a collar is a black leather band around the neck and often has metal D-rings added to allow the attachment of a leash.
Collars may be used in role-playing games involving humiliation because they have connotations of control and pet-like status, especially when worn with a leash.
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Okay, lets examine the above. For the longest time, when I thought of collars, I ONLY thought of it in connection of the latter, of collar and leash and humiliation and being reduced to a pet or slave (which again, if you are into that, more power to you, okay?) I had Zero idea of any other connotations.
It's only been within the last say eight years or so, that I had a vague idea of the other meaning of collaring.
And that was as far as that went.
What I've since learned is that collars, and collaring, have some very specific in many cases, meanings within a given BDSm community. And I say given, because while there may be general rules, there are often specific differences from one group to another.
A person wearing a collar could be indicating that they are submissive, especially say, if they show up at a party or event in collar, but without a partner, or their collar isn't locked, or their is no leash. And that may mean they are either looking for a full time HOH, or, are just looking for a Top for some scene play.
It may be a sign to others that they are in a Relationship with their dominant.
It may indicate ownership.
A locking collar may symbolize the transfer of power from the person collared to the one holding the key.
To me, to be collared means that the person collaring me is my HOH, they are in charge within the relationship, and I am not. It does not mean that I am silent, that my opinion is not valued or does not count, that I am less than a person because I am collared (assuming I was...) It means that they are in charge, and it is a Visible symbol of our relationship.
It is also a symbol that this is not for play, that this is a sign of my acceptance of their status as my HOH, 24/7.
For those that know this, it lets them know, that protocol wise, I am off limits, play/sex/relationship wise. And among those that know, that is something that is respected.
It also means that if another HOH sees that I am behaving in an inappropriate way, that they would address such matters to my HOH, and not me, other than perhaps telling me I was behaving inappropriately. But actual correction is my HOH's resposibility, not the person who caught me acting out.
A more modern interpretation of this, though it makes many of the 'old guard' wince, is cyber collaring. Here is what the article had to say on the subject:
**************************************************************************Velcro collar is an increasingly common term, used derisively. The old guard leather community was very protocol oriented and stressed serious lifestyle involvement because of safety issues. More recently, however, email, Internet chat rooms and instant messaging services allowed the curious to participate in casual (and often anonymous) D/s relationships online. The velcro reference indicates the tendency for online dominants and submissives to have new online collaring ceremonies frequently and without regard for existing relationships which end as easily as not logging in.**************************************************************************
But cyber relationships as many know, can be very tight, and bonding.
Say my cyber HOH collars me, and later, I am doing something online I shouldn't be. For sake of argument, oh, inappropriate language in a blog, or being caught playing online when others at the site know I'm under punishment.
Now, if I weren't collared, and was in a chat as a spankee, and had a pottymouth, I would be scolded, corrected, and punished on the spot by pretty much whatever Alpha/Spanker was around!
However, if I am collared, and do the same thing (and I've found out that some use (c) behind their screen names to indicate that they are collared...) I might be scolded, but, my behaviour Would be reported to my HOH, and consequences would be expected to be handed out to me, by them.
So, that leads to something else, being collared means that my behavior doesn't just reflect on me, it also reflects on my HOH. Willfully screwing up, especially in front of those that know the HOH, whether in real life or cyber, is extremely disrespectful to my HOH.
And as such, the act of offering a collar or accepting a collar, is not to be taken lightly.
In the article I found, they frequently referred to what they called the 'old guard leather community', and in this type of community, their was/is much ritual/symbolism attached to collaring.
Again, from the article, it said the 'old guard' considered that there were three stages of collaring: the collar of consideration, which is similar to a pre-engagement ring; the training collar, equal to an enagement ring, and the actual collar, equivalent to a marriage ring.
Playing with others, while collared, even in cyber, is the same as cheating on a spouse.
Some collars are not worn all the time, often do to problems with work and non scene friends and relatives.
However, there are ways around that. Not all collars are of the leather 'dog collar' variety.
Since it is a symbol, it can be made of any material, and in many cases will simply appear to be a necklace to an onlooker, with it's true significance known only to the person collared, and the one who collared them.
That is what I've learned, and to me, I see no reason that a collar can't be a part of a dd lifestyle. To me, it is a symbol, as I've said, that I am the HOH's spouse, that they are responsible for my well being, and that I am responsible to obey them, and follow the rules they set, and accept the consequences if I don't. And it is something I would be very much willing to do, under the right circumstances.
Angie
Tags: dd, collaring Edit Tags
Thursday June 26, 2008 - 01:00pm (HST) Edit Delete
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Comments(6 total) Post a Comment

stric…
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Rather verbose. Are you preparing to run for office?
Thursday June 26, 2008 - 08:23pm (EDT) Remove Comment

Jon
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Well the term "domestic" seems to culturally legitimize the sado-masochistic needs desires under the context of being spanked as children for discipline but it's still masochistic and I believe based on new studies and personal memory it was emotionally disturbingt enough to be felt as abuse and that caused me to equate a spanking parent's love with punishment. The ritual forced baring of my body for punishment to a parent athority figure was the trauma abuse I guess. The debate about spanking being abuse will never end. Individual child temperment and how a spanking is emotionally experienced really decides abuse. I've learned though that kids don't need to have been themselves spanked to develope sado and or masochistic desires. Just getting emotionally excited/distressed at the sound or view or thought of getting one can create enough trauma for getting a fetish. The latest research is strongly suggesting child spanking creates adult spankees. It so culturally accepted yet it is a form of parental interference in the childs sexuality. Why is the so bad since a spankee can be fun. Being foreced to understand one's masochistic desires and limit partner selection to another that will enjoy it also is limting your kids choices for lifetime partners. What I was advised once I understood it all is don't spank my kids which I don't and enjoy the fetish with a willing partner. My other answer when asked about the more exotic BDSM adult activities I recieved when I asked of it's origin was that those activities were from stronger emotional experiences to an even more violent child events than spanking or more severe spankings. Here's the link to the latest child research studies of the affects of spanking.http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/healthday/080228/spanking-raises-chances-of-risky-deviant-sexual-behavior.htmAgain, if a spankee is already born ejoy it. Hope you write more spanking stories Angie. Your top perspective as a spanking mother and aunt along with your own childhood experiences make you a great domestic discipline story writer." I miss your stories! Thanks!
Thursday June 26, 2008 - 08:23pm (CDT) Remove Comment

celti…
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Well done, Ma'am. i so enjoyed reading your thoughts and research on dd vs bdsm. i am in a training collar to my Master. i wear a silver necklace with a gryphon pendant (his name and symbol) 24/7 while i am a part from him. While with him, i wear a red leather collar with silver celtic design. i have been under his protection since January when i became a Family member and in training since March. i have given him my submission freely. i obey his wishes and wants. i represent his household and behave accordingly.i am a lucky girl/slave. My Master is extremely kind and easy. i have been scolded twice but never punished to date (knock wood) i am a very good girl and always try to be.Just having him scold me is awful enough. At social events, others seek his permission to talk with me if they have not already been given permission already. Wearing my collar is a symbol of NO TRESSPASSING in the community-sort of like a wedding ring used to be. If someone wishes to play with me, they go to him first. If he gives his permission, they then still must receive mine unless he and i discuss his desire for me to play with someone. i still have final say on that though. For us ( Sir and i) it is all about the Total Power Exchange, without my submission, there is no power. We are like two sides of a coin, there can not be one without the other. i have a strong desire to submit, to please, to obey. It brings me great pleasure. The more in control he is, the better i feel.At all times, i think what would Master want, what would Master have me do. He IS my HOH. Although, i have only been in a bdsm world for 15 months, i have wanted this what seems like forever. i feel at home, comfortable. While i may be involved in teh bdsm world, i have hard limits and soft limits my Master follows. i have safe words for play but not anything else. If he felt i was deserving of punishment, it would happen as it is his right. A right i gave him.Just my two little cents.Sir's bunny
Thursday June 26, 2008 - 08:42pm (CDT) Remove Comment

Ray C
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in short i am very impressed with what you did . i guess even at my age i did learn something here thats for sure . well done for sure...............in short i am a spanker and i wouldnt mind the collar part if at my age i could put one on the right girlagain thanks for shareing this too, it was super,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs and kisses and ya spanking too..........
Thursday June 26, 2008 - 11:39pm (CDT) Remove Comment

Donna D
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Great work. Thanks...donna
Friday June 27, 2008 - 10:46am (EDT) Remove Comment
Brett B
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Well done! This would seem to be a huge topic that probably hasn't been studied long enough to yield enough established organization or many hard conclusions. You've covered a lot of ground, and many ideas here are worth thinking about. I'm definitely in the DD camp, with BDSM more a curiosity. There are elements of BDSM that relate to domestic discipline, and vice-versa, but DD is something at the center of who I am. BDSM is a larger envelope of practices, most of which are not that relevant to my interests, and some that are 180 degrees away from what I'm about.Thanks, miss Angie. This was very interesting, indeed.
Friday June 27, 2008 - 03:29pm (MDT) Remove Comment