This took place in the winter of '80
Ya know how it is, when you KNOW you have really messed it up, bad, and there doesn't seem to be an easy way to make it right? Or, how it seems that you DO know what to say, but something inside of you just doesn't let you. So instead of taking on the real problem, yourself, you instead blame the victim, and are just a complete bitch to anyone else who gets in the way. Even when, and most importantly, because they had nothing to do with it, ya know?
I bet a lot of women do. Guys, I'm not so sure. They really seem to be far more straightforward than we give them credit for. Unlike how we are always thinking, what did she mean by that, what will she think I meant by that, etc.
Well, I had gotten myself into a bit of situation. And I handled it badly. I was 20, and it was about halfway through the school year, and I was getting a little edgier because it was starting to dawn on me, for real, that Kathy, my lover since the start of my freshman year, was gonna be leaving, for good, when she graduated this spring, and went off to grad school back east.
I'm ashamed to admit I wasn't making it any easier for her either, pouting like a child, thinking only of myself, till my tantrums would get so out of control, that I would find myself pantyless, again. And then there would be moments when I was little miss sunshine, all was right in the world, perfect denial. So it was while I was riding this up and down emotional rollercoaster that I was visiting some friends from school at another house.
And no, it wasn't the type of visit where I was out hitting on other girls, nothing like that. There were five that lived in the house, and I got along with them all pretty well. But that day, I was feeling rather bitchy. Also, a couple of other girls were there, friends of friends sort of thing, and those two always had a way of making me feel inferior. They had all been drinking a bit, when I had gotten there, and they were indulging in some gossip, and telling mean stories about girls they knew, and aquaintances. I knew I should have gotten out of there right then, the vibe was all wrong, but I was more worried that if I did, I would become the center of all the comments. And I sure as hell didn't want that, ya know?
Only had the one drink, and I nursed that, so I don't have that as an excuse for my behavior either. Anyway, I started participating in our little game, and I did this imitation of one of the housemates who wasn't there with us. She was a sweet girl, very studious, very smart, very much nicer than we were, and so quiet and shy. So of course, I had to imitate her.
"Hi, guys, " I started off in my shy voice, just like she did, and the others were all cracking up, knowing who I was already, "I just wrote some poetry, would you like to hear it?" And that really broke them up.
Of course, when I looked up, there she was on the stairs, looking down, tears in her eyes as she turned and ran back up. Oh fuck. The others had seen, and had taken her tears as an excuse for even more laughter. I can't tell you how bad I felt, like I was two inches tall, ya know?
I ran upstairs, knocked on her door, heard her crying, Tried to apologize, but, nothing. Feeling utterly useless now, I went back down, grabbed my coat, and left. I didn't go to my room, the last thing I wanted to see was my overly perky freshman roomie. So I stomped off to the sorority house.
I made sure I slammed the door shut, hard enough that a couple of sisters looked, and if I would have been a pledge, I would have been paddled so fast, but I wasn't, so it didn't. Then I stomped into the living room. Almost no one there, not who I was looking for anyways. So I stomped upstairs, and went into her room without knocking, and slammed the damn door again. She was there, thankfully, so my drama queen act at least had an audience. She was sitting there, all cool and collected, on her bed, reading, in faded levis, and a school sweater. So pretty. She would know how to make everything okay again, she woul-
"Well, hello. So, I take it this means you're talking to me again? And can I assume that was you acting like a child having a temper tantrum downstairs?"
Shit. In my little fit of pique, I had forgotten I had been mad at Kathy, and had walked out in a huff two days before, not talking to her, not even bothering to return her messages. It looked like I was gonna get a big lecture, the type that normally precede you not being able to sit for a while, ya know? THAT lecture, when they have THAT tone of voice, and it was too much for me.
I could feel my eyes fill up, and my lip start to quiver. And THAT took her by surprise, cause I may be bawl baby when I'm over the knee, but I usually hold up pretty well during the scolding, and she hadn't even gotten started yet. That got her attention. We joke about guys and teary girls, well, girls don't know what to do with teary girls either.
Her look changed at once. "Honey, are you okay?" she asked with concern, and that bit of comfort when I KNEW I didn't deserve it was enough to open the floodgates. I started crying, she held me as I sobbed, I didn't even try to answer her questions, not with words, as she went through the checklist, I was okay, my family was okay, etc. Satisfied that everyone was healthy, she led me to the bed, and sat down with me on her lap as I cried some more. Finally, it slowed down, like it always does.
She gave me a tissue, and then she started asking me again what was up. So, feeling ashamed and not able to look at her, I hid in her shoulder, and told her. She knew exactly who this girl was. And Kathy Wasn't happy with me, not at all. She made me look at her while I told her everything again, and she didn't let me escape any responsiblity for my actions, no rationalizations for my behavior allowed.
I was pretty weepy all over again, but the tears didn't help this time. The lecture ended with something along the lines of "at least you have enough sense to realize when you behave abominably, even if you can't seem to control your behavior or your mouth. But I can help with that."
And so saying, I was stood up, and my jeans and bikini panties were pulled down to my knees, and then over her lap I went. I got QUITE the lecture along with the spanking, by hand. It was hard, and it was long. I was back to hard crying, while she said she had been tiptoeing around me, afraid to set me off lately, and she realized what a mistake that had been, and it was time to get me back on track.
Ending with a "do I NOW have your attention, missy!?" I was escorted, doing that HUMILIATING waddle you do when your pants are down but still on, and my nose was in the corner. I was told to think about what I had done, and what I could do to help make it a bit better. And I really thought while I was there. After a while, when she asked if I had been thinking, I told her yes, and she said good, and to come back to her. I did, then paused when I saw the brush in her hand. I pleaded that I was already sorry and sore enough and ....
She just shut me up, and told me to get over there now, or else. So I did, and it was back over, and she told me that this one was for both what I had done earlier in the day, as well as how I had been acting with her lately, and that she had waited till I was able to think about WHY I was getting it, in a less emotional state. And she was right, it was a hundred times worse that way.
But I survived, pretty much, and it's amazing how many tears you can produce. It really is.
She then told me I had better mind my manners with her from now on, and then asked what I thought I should do about my other problem. I told her, and she made some suggestions, and so it was a while later, we were both at the other house.
The senior who was the RA for the house wasn't thrilled to see me, until Kathy told her what was going on, and said that Jan was still upstairs. So up we went. The senior and Kathy were friends, and I had no doubt she KNEW how Kathy kept me in line. And that she whole heartedly approved.
I knocked on Jan's door, and tried to apologize, again, and she wouldn't answer. Then Kathy talked, asked if we could come in, as I had something I needed to tell her. She let us in, and then I apologized, but I could tell she didn't really believe me that I was sorry. Not until Kathy spoke up and told her how I had come over crying because I knew I had messed up, and that I had been mad at Kathy, not her, and that I was just being my normal, go with the crowd and not think for yourself girl. That she seemed to believe.
And then Kathy told her that she had given me something ELSE to cry about, and I got all red, and you could tell, she knew exactly what Kathy meant. I told her I was sorry again, and then told her I had something for her, and gave her a little book of poetry I knew she wanted. So in the end, we made up, and Kathy and I were better than ever, now that she was back in control. Sometimes a girl just needs a helping hand, ya know?
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