Tuesday, July 14, 2009

On birth order, and Heads of House, etc, part two...

okay, back in June, did a little post, and going to reprint it here, with the various comments people put up at the time, and then add some more after that, both what I've found, and my personal experiences.


I was chatting the other day with a friend, and the converstation switched to basic personality types, how some, like my Husband or her, were ones who felt comfortable being the leader in relationships, natural Heads of House (HOH), if you will.

And how others, such as myself, feel more comfortable when we aren't in a HOH position.

From there, got to thinking of how she, and my Husband, and other HOHs that I know, are overwhelmingly first born.Whereas many who prefer not to be the HOH, and are in fact, the spankee in their relationships, are usually not the first born.So, obviously my sample size is small, so what has been your experience?

(and feel free to add in your own experiences, and observations, people....)

Beckey said...
You are so right Angie! I'm the middle girl of 3 and my older sister is still in a DD relationship she is a bit more of a boss. I tend to flip between roles and my younger sister really craves having to obey someone.With my husband he is the oldest and the only boy in his family and as he had a single mother he has developed a dominant personality as he had to run the house in a way from an early age.

SandyB said...
My family must be in the minority then. I'm the eldest of three, really laid back and most of the time just go with the flow. Brother is a year younger, quite assertive in his working life, but is a bit hen-pecked by his wife. Maybe just me, but I find it really unattractive in a guy, esp one who is 6"4and really BIG. Younger sister, by 10 years, is VERY in charge. She's not in a relationship, but she's the person who gets things done, always speaks her mind and bosses everyone around.

Mrs M said...
This is very interesting, I am the last born in my family - although there is a considerable age difference between us.However I consider myself a submissive, but in actuality struggle with not leading in ways (and have lead in social groups before).I love submitting, and enjoy being led when it comes to my sexual relationships but struggle outside of that.At work I am the boss, and I use leadership as a way to overcome my personal fears and shyness.Therefore I find it quite hard to submit sometimes, but DD is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love kneeling at my husbands feet (so to speak) ;-)Great post, thanks for the thoughts...(hugs)Mrs M

Mary said...
I'm number 4 of 5. My 2 older sisters (#1 and #3) and only brother (#2) are all HOH types, particularly my brother and sister #3. I'm more submissive, though not totally so. My little sister (#5) is very submissive. So I think the birth order does make a difference but it isn't a direct relationship.Mary

allystepsforward said...
This is a complicated answer for us: Brad is actually the youngest sibling but there is a signicant age difference between older brother and sister, also, he is the only child of the man him mom married and stayed with. Siblings are 1/2 sibs. If I remember correctly, I have heard that the technically gives him first born traits. He defianately has some of the. However, his father modeled complete passivity in his marriage, he didn't do anything but mind his own business and ignore everybody else most of the time. Thank God Brad is not like that, but sometimes he is more passive than I'd like. I, on the other hand, was a first born, and fit the role well. During most of our marriage we struggled over control. It wasn't horrible, but there were some pretty rough times here and there. Now that I'm the submissive partner, I am happier, he is happier... Ally

Christian said...
Hello Angie-Interesting blog. I have been thinking about doing one of these myself. Well, you pretty much know my situation already, but for others here...I am the last born. My wife is first born. And just like you said in your question she is the Dominant in our relationship. That is weird I never thought about that. But I am a switch technically so I am a little bit of a fluke for your theory. Regards,Christian


Well hi all, and so much thanks for answering!

As for my particular background, I'm the third of four sisters, and there is about 2 years apart between each of us. For a reasons I'll get into at another post, I was however in my preteen and teen years, very much treated as the baby of the family.

My sisters are all in what I would call Head of House relationships, where their Husbands are in charge. While I suspect that they may also get spanked, that is something we've never talked about. While my 2nd sister is by far and away more outgoing and assertive than I am, she is like me, much more content when her Husband simply takes charge.

My oldest and younger sisters however, are both very dominant personalities, (lets call it bossy- sounds so much nicer than bitchy....) and while their Husbands are in charge, its sometimes a struggle for them to let go. Whenever they are in a group situation outside their marriage, they are Very much the ones who like to be the group/project leaders, organizing things, 'telling' others what and 'how' things should be done, etc. I could easily see either one giving a nonsexual punishment spanking to another woman who didn't do things the way they thought they should be done.

As for me, I've always been the spankee in my relationships (meaning with other women, and my Husband), and prefer not to be in charge. I much prefer the second in command/executive officer position. I will take charge if I need to, I detest management by committee, and sorry if this sounds sexist, but save me from a group of women, all trying to come to a 'consensus' and a 'cooperative' approach to a problem. Gag. Figure out what the problem/goal is, come up with a plan, implement the plan. It's not that tough, people.

My Husband is first born, older by several years then his sister, and and their sisters are between 1 1/2 to four years apart from each other. His Dad was often away for long times for work, so he was very much 'in charge' of his sisters, even when they were teens, and they went over his lap more then once. My Husband is obviously very much the HOH, and is the same in his day to day life. When we met, he was an Infantry First Sergeant, and later an Infantry Sergeant Major (for those with military backgrounds, that will mean something, for those without, it's really hard to explain....and I don't mean just what the position was.)

And here are some things I found at http://www.birthorderandpersonality.com/index.html
(they also have some cool charts there...)

First Born Children
The first born child is usually the child with the most attention directed at him/her. This common event is part of the reason this particular child turns out the way he/she does. There are two typical types of first born children, compliant and aggressive. The first born in your family can be either one of these two types, and have these typical traits:

Compliant Traits

People Pleasers
Crave Approval
Team Players
"Grin and bear it" mentatlity

Aggressive Traits
Movers and shakers
Natural leaders
Always have things under control
Want things their way

These two types of first born children may seem very different, but they do share quite a few characteristics.
Common Traits

Middle Children
Middle children are quite often the most difficult children to both read and to raise. Middle children are quite often referred to as the "Mysterious Middle Child", this is due in large part to the fact that there are two types of middle born children. These two types of middle borns are not as clearly defined as the two types of first borns, they do not possess simple "names", therefore for confusion's sake we will refer to them as Middle Born #1 and Middle Born #2.

Middle Born #1

Loner (that's me!)
Quiet Shy

Middle Born #2
Laid back

Middle born children are quite difficult to pin down, however they tend to be the opposite of their older sibling. There are however, a few characteristics that both types of middle born share.
Common Traits
Attention seeking

Last Born Children
Last born children are quite often the life of the party.
Last born children tend to be the easiest to define when it comes to the correlation between birth order and personality, this is mostly due to the fact that there is only one main type of last born.

Last Born Traits
Risk takers
Good sense of humor
Hard working
Immature (me again)
Attention seeking
Secretive (and again)
Sensitive (and yet again...)
Last born children are often considered the baby of the family, and live up to this role. At times it is difficult for the last born child to find his/her place in the family, as the first and middle child have already left huge footprints to follow in, and carved their own niche into the family.

Only Children
Only children are often referred to as "First Borns in Triplicate", this is due to the fact that these children are extreme versions of first born children. Onlies, as they are affectionately called, tend to be an extrememist in all aspects of life.
Only Traits
Mature faster
Get along well with older people
Attention seekers
Use adult language
Prefer adult company
Have difficulty sharing
Only children are special type of birth order, in the sense that they are capable of being any of the three "main" types of birth order. However, most of these only children do possess characteristics commonly associated with the aggressive first born child.

Twins can be any one of the three 'main' birth order types, therefore it is nearly impossible to describe them. However, what can be detected is which of the two children is the leader.
Common Leader Traits
Resemble first borns
Common Follower Traits
Resemble shy middle child
Blend into the background

"But, Hey I don't fit your birth order mold!"

There are many variables that can cause the birth order process not to work on some, and this is perfectly normal. Take a look at the variables below and begin to understand why exacty you may not fit into your typical birth order.

Marital Status
Parenting Style
Critical Eye of parent
Parents' birth order
How strict the parent is

The marital status of the parent is important, as this often determines whether the child had a mother or a father or both. If parents were to get divorced, and one parent maintained sole custody then the child in question would have most traits seen in this parent, regardless of birth order. Parenting style also plays a key role, as this influences how children react in all situations. How you teach your kids shows how they will learn, and in turn shows how they interact with society. The critical eye of the parent can also affect traits in children. If a parent is too critical, a child may have low self confidence, or drive, and he/she may or may not feel good enough, this could cause a rift in the birth order process. The birth order of each parent also comes into question. If one parent was a first born, and the other was an only, then chances are their children will have the common characteristics because of the matching personalities and parenting styles of their parents. However, if one parent was a last born, and the other a twin, then the child may follow their own birth order as there are no overwhelming similarities or differences in the birth order of their parents.

Double birth order
This does not occur in every instance, but often when there is a female or male born first, and then the child immediately preceeding him/her is of the opposite sex, then the birth order could repeat. Everything is usually still in tact with the birth order process, however you could have two first born children.

Separate Families
More than a five year gap
Start a 'new' family
When there is more than a five year gap between two children, often a "new" is formed. Since the maturity levels of the children are so far apart, the birth order process often repeats itself. This may result in two first borns, or maybe a first born, middle born, last born, and then an only child, all depending on timing.

Bumped either up or down on birth order scale
All depends on age at the time and where other kids fall
If adoption occurs, the birth order could be slightly renovated due to the fact that there is now another child in the mix. The same goes for remarriage, and step families. These specific variables both vary by case. It is really dependent on the age at the time of the remarriage/adoption, and where the other children fall in the birth order, if there are other children.

Mental/Physical/Emotional Skills
One aspect slowed could throw off birth order
Mental retardation
Physical handicaps
If there is retardation in one or more of the children, this could prevent the birth order process from being applied. Often when there is a developmental or physical delay in a child, the other children, either older or younger, end up maturing faster and taking care of the child in question. Because these children help to care for the child with handicaps means their birth order is now invalid, as they may react differently to the added responsibility, and stress.

Death of Parent/Sibling
Bump a child either up or down
Have different effects when a parent dies
"Ghost" children
If the death of a sibling occurs, children usually take the role their sibling had in an attempt to make the deceased child still a part of their life. Therefore, often children are bumped either up or down depending on where the child who died was in the birth order process. If a parent dies then children may bump either up or down or just no longer fit into any type of mold. Everything depends on how the child reacts to the death of their parent, and how the rest of their family copes. "Ghost" children occur when a child dies and then another child is born shortly afterwards. The newly born child never knew the deceased child, however he/she did take their place in some sense both for the parents and for their brothers and or sisters. The new child could be a replacement, and take on the characteristics of the other child, as these characteristics are often pushed upon them by their family members.

feel free to leave your own comments and observations,


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